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Jarhead_Guy
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Name: Jared
Birthday: 9/8/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Music...whatever floats my boat, basically.
...being a sceptic..yup, that's me.
I love God, and He loves me!
Amanda is really aweosme!
Expertise: Music...adn debating...don't mess with my brick wall skills!
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Matking05
Member Since:
2/20/2005
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| Been awhile, again..
Life in General
This is growing up...
So,
I reapplied to school...and plan t actually go this time. I'm
financially unstable, but I've already worked out the loan
situation..yay. Two stepes down.
Gotta get my car fxed,
again...and sell it to get a new one. Problem, you ask? Well, I'm
totally broke right now. SO I have to continue thins never-ending
search for a job. Then I can fix m car and pay off my debts.
Anyway,
life's being a major bitch. But don;t get me wrong...I love life. My
life can;t be greater. I love every waking moment, becasue I have known
too many people who lose that thought: every day is a gift. THere is no
guarantee of tomorrow, or even the next hour. So I love every second
I'm alive.
Anyway, I've learned a lot about myself in the last
two months. I've read some great books that have really helped me
discover who I am, and what was making me what I hated. ANd yea I am
growing up...finally.
Anyway, this is all pointless. Later.
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| And once again I am left with that feeling of nothingness...
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| So I have come to a point in my life where I must either suck it up and move along or live in the past and dwell in misery....Well, I prefer the first opton.
What that basically means is this: I have accepted the blame for everything gone wrong in the last two ears, becasue it was all my fault. For far too long pride has consumed my everythng, and has caused me to suffer greatly. I have come to the conclusion that life can only get better for me, and I am the only one who can make it that way.
So, my car is fixed and running well agan! :):):) This leaves me with a feeling of elation I normally only get when I feel God's presence within me burning bright. And, I got my black bass fixed, and got to quit using that loaner that ate strings like they were fast food!
The band's going really well. We're recording next month, and I guarantee you, you WILL love it (assuming you're a fan of heavy music haha).
On a sadder note, my friend Roy spent the entire week in the hospital....and let me tell you, I could ony bring myself to visit him once....I hate seeing people like that period, but especally when it's one of my best friends. But he has gotten better (I've been told) and should be out this week sometime. Praise God for getting him through this!!!
And lastly, I leave you with someting I wrote about a year ago, and I believe it still fits my life right now.
Dismal:
Remembering the past doesn't change a thing
From how I was then, for release I'm wishing
Happy days of freedom alone now lost in a world of no hope
The shit's hit the fan, and I've got nowhere to go
A dismal conclusion I've reached tonight/ The soul's gone, the fire's died
For way too long wish for one last flight/ Desolate end to a desolate night
Embracing the old just ain;t right/ Throw in the towel, and end this fight
Running down the path I once knew to be
All the right faces, and none hated me
Now so cold and alone, my face goes unseen
As on goes this show, so peacefully
A dismal conclusion tonight I've reached
This dissolusion, my soul's been breached
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| Well, I know no one really reads these, but I'll give it a go again anyway simply for that reason.
This year has sucked. All together. I never thought I could experience as much pain as I have within the last year...and make it through.
Anyway, what I really have to say is that I am so sick of things going wrong. I didn't do anything to deserve the shit I've been handed. I did nothing to the people who have stepped on me over the past two years. All I have done is offer a little love to them, but apparently that isn't enough to keep them from fucking me over. again. and again. and again, and again.
These bad habits are gonna be the death of me. They really are. If anything, they've set me back about five years. Damnit! Here's what I don't get: first time I quit everything, I wasn't happy. There's no dfference between then and now, except for me beng older. ...So why can't I quit now, being completely messed up? I guess that will power died with the part of my heart that cares about what anyone else thinks?
Meh...I'm really getting tired of looking to the sky for answers. I've been fine by myself before. SO why does everone keep tellng me to look up, and that it'll get better? That's bull they;re sellin me, and I ain't buyin it.
And another thing, pastorss piss me off badly lately...Yes, I am a terrible example of what I oughtta be, but ya know what? I am doing what it takes for me to get through another damn day without losing my faith (which is probably stronger than most can say, simply becasue of the last year). And yea, it's bad for me, and yea, I set a terrible example, and yea, I am never gonna lead another soul to Christ, and yea, I dress wrong, and yea, my music is terrible and evil, and yea, I have a sedistic heart, and yea, my thoughts are all SO malicious....and yea, I'm still able to help more kids than I thought possible. And yea, ya know what else? I'm able to help some kid who tells me his life is almost at an end it'll all be better, and there is a little bit of hope I find knowing hat no matter what crap I go through here, I'll have a better place at Home. And ya know what? That kid smiles at me, with a tear in his eye, and thanks me for having taken a second look at him, for not telling hm his hair is too long, his tattoos are bad, his speach is wrong...no, I tell him the truth: God is love, and love is what saves our souls. No other "god" offered a sacrifce for our sins, did they? No, I've searched for many years, and the only thing I have found peace in is knowing I serve a God who was able to come to Earth as a Man, and who went through the same things I go through, and who loved me enough to DIE for me. Heaven forbid my music actually give me an opening to tak to someone, or for some kid to come up to me at a concert at a bar and ask me what my shirt means, and Heaven forbid I be able to talk to somene about my faith. Yes, that's so wrong of me.
Gah..way too many things running throguh my head...I haven't slept a good 6 hours in over a month. I can't stop having the same nightmare, the same terrible thoughts keep me up at night. I am getting so scared that it's close to coming true, and that in itself is a volatile thought. In the event it comes true (as most nightmares like this have) I will surely be on my way Home. And I can't stop thinking about my Home either. I long for nothing more than to be there. I know it's really selfish of me, but that's just how I feel. But, I don't want to go that way...never.
God, I can't ask you enough to help me through this. I don't have the strenght, and I don't have the balls, either. I know what you want of me, and I have been trying...give me something more to know it's really where you want me. That's all I ask right now: let me know for sure I am going down the right path for You. Obviously you've done this for a reason, and I can;t see it...so please, enlghten me once more why I am still here....
If you've read this, you actaully give a crap.
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| Man, it's been forever since I used this! SO, recent updates:
1)Playing in Burnng Sherman, a metal band started by a few of us guys who want to have fun doing what we love.
2)Started smoking, and quit again.
3)That's it lol
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